I'm sick of the analytical preception that contributes to whats suppost to be 'intellect', and i'm not sure if i can release the same emotions anymore. After analyzing everything routinely before it can surface in my concious mind, after scrutinizing until i prove the thought wrong, all I have to show for myself is the point I tried so hard to prove, the point proven and remaining in the display window of my persona, the realization and eventual accepted fact that I am indeed going to be better off without a dependancy on something that could likely depend on something or someone else. Does that make sense? I hate it when people ask me that. It makes sense completly, but when i'm faced with the idea of writing these thoughts down, english doesn't seem to do them justice, no, not compared to the flow of my mind and its uncomprehendable fantasy language. What else am I suppost to look to to release everything thats spinning a tornado in my mind? Last night I sat in my bed, staring out my window to see the rooftops of the wicked, disgusting industrial building that cushion the rough edges of my dorm. Last night, the setting and the atmosphere was different from anything I had ever felt, different from last years boiling hot weather at this time, different from last years insufficiant mourning of something that was never really alive in the first place. And I know that in a literal 5 minutes, it all came alive so quickly, tore through any stability I may have had in the most voilent manner i've ever felt, and Died again, right infront of me. Just like that, just like that my whole phsyce collapsed and my mind went into that survival mode that was so familiar to me last summer, and I did something I hadn't done in somewhat of a year. I cried, and I cried hard. I looked at myself in that shitty mirror above my pathetic foot wide sink. And I cried for the year that I wasted living in something that never really existed. For all I can tell, I was dead this entire year, I gave a little less than half of me to people, a little less than I had to give. I made sure to stare right into those red and black eyes, and tell myself that this is who I was, and this is who I was always going to be. I can't change it, and i'll just accept it, even if that means having to sleep with my eyes open for all of the days, graduations, jobs, relationships, and life expierences that I might come across for the rest of my 'life'. I just hope that my memory replenishes me, so I can look like i'm smiling for the moment as I reach for the fuel that I call the past. Without you, nothing is possible. I never knew you, but I never really knew anyone. I never really knew myself. And I didn't realize that until I looked at you. I don't care what anyone else has to say about what I believe is happening to me. I couldn't give any less of a shit what anyone else thinks. Because I found out what makes me a part of this world, I found out what makes me another person that fits into the jigsaw of the human race, what makes me whole and fuels my future. Nothing. Absolutly nothing. And for christ's sake, I couldn't feel any more sickly sweet, I really couldn't be any happier. So thank you, I guess it ends here, and for once, nobody is going to understand any of this. Because nobody can put any more effort into this, everyones given up on me in regards to you, in regards to me. But i'm chained to this, and as much as I would like to just kill it, I know that part of the reason i'm here on this earth is to fill that hole that nobody will confide in.

Note:
No, I don't want to a part of you anymore. Because the part I really am and the part I thought I was are polar oppisites. With a snap of your fingers you've replaced any connection we may have had with somebody else, threw me out like a ragdoll and expect me to be ok with that, because of course, ragdolls can't feel. But when you get bored with the Laila, she'll know just how it feels to be spit back out and left on the ground to rot. Abandon me, sure. Abandon me because I'm so caught up in absolutly nothing that I cant even think for myself anymore. I don't even care how you react anymore, I really just, well, I really just care about nothing, nothing as a whole and nothing and all of its meaning and substance. Nothing as a person. I'm going to start caring about me now, if thats alright. I hope you and Laila are very, very happy together. Until you decide your done.